Are you accepting of, but bored, with life…..resigned to ‘how things are’? Do you say that you are happy enough with your life, whilst knowing that what you are actually doing is just getting by? Who really, truly knows you…..knows what your long-held (though maybe forgotten) dreams are? Who really understands what you are actually thinking, feeling, and fearing? How many times are you misunderstood, misinterpreted, second guessed…….even by people who love you? More importantly, how well do you actually know and understand yourself? How much of yourself and your dreams have you let go of, in favour of survival, and life in the ‘real’ world? Wouldn’t it be wonderful if someone could put a hand into your very core, and pull YOU out…….from beneath the debris of years, other people’s expectations, disappointments, rejections and self – conscious, self-imposed judgements? What if, like a crumpled map, you could be smoothed out, the creases and folds ironed flat, so that you could be fully viewed and read? The REAL, authentic you, at last, seeing the light of day.
And if you could do all of that, what would change? Everything, something……or nothing? Would you still love the same people? Would you hold the same beliefs? Would you be a different you, mentally, emotionally and physically? What would you honour, and what would you dismiss?
Now……the 2 biggest questions of all: do you believe you CAN change yourself, and that you still have time to shift the course of your future, regardless of current circumstance? And if so, do you believe you have the courage to set change in motion, allowing it to gather momentum, without pulling it back or stopping it in its tracks?
I hope you can say, with hand on heart, that you are genuinely, honestly happy with yourself and your life, exactly as it is……OR you can say YES to the above questions. Anything in between is no – man’s land, a twilight zone in which the sun continues to set, but without ever rising.
And feelings of yearning and fantasy are a sign that change is required. They can be very naughty and misleading, those two characters. For example, a woman falls for a man who already has a partner. He welcomes her attention, and stokes the fire, whilst hanging onto his ‘other’ life with both hands (or at least one hand). She believes he is under – appreciated, over – worked, and emotionally un – supported. He causes her to feel as if she is the sexiest woman on the planet, and the only one who has ever understood him. They present the best of themselves to one another, and passion and desire abound.
Fast forward to a time in which he has left his partner to set up home with the new love. They now have to pay bills together and battle round the supermarket on a Friday night. She has bad breath in the morning, and no longer wakes up before he does, in order to do her hair and apply make – up (as she did on elicit weekends away). He leaves skid marks in the toilet, and is snappy when he comes home from work. She realises he is lazy around the house, and he is irritated by her ‘nagging’ about it. All pretty normal stuff…….for normal couples in a normal relationship, but hardly the stuff of heroes and goddesses, yearning and fantasy. (Oh, and on top of that, he feels guilty about hurting the ex, and she is insecure because that ex still has to be communicated with, over certain issues).
OR fast forward to a time in which promises are being made and broken. He can’t leave because, because, because. He wants to, and she truly is the one he really loves…….but it isn’t easy. The fantasy becomes fraught with even more yearning, and perspective is irrevocably lost. She now begins to believe he is the ‘only one’ for her, puts her life on hold, is closed to other potentially fulfilling relationships, and tells herself that ‘true’ love is all about self – sacrifice and endless waiting. She gets stuck on a roller – coaster of highs and lows, and her friends despair for her. He feels useless, guilty and frustrated, and becomes even more dissatisfied with his partner, living a lie, and a double life. He feels stressed and worse than he did before. (Men can appear to be hard hearted, but often they are struggling to express what is really going on within their heart and mind……and that makes them mad!) They both live for the not – often – enough hit of the ‘drug’ that has become their relationship, and he starts to pull away. Not because he is cold, but because of the way his brain is wired. He craves her, but also fears her needs. He doesn’t want her to mess up his safe existence, but neither does he want anyone else to have her. Something, eventually, HAS to give……one way or another. Someone has to break the spell. Someone has to say “That was meaningful to me, but it was only life’s way of saying I am missing something…….that I am in need of something……but something that is MINE, that is healthy, and that I can build on.” Oh how often we hang onto something painful, because we have told ourselves there is nothing else out there for us! The world is abundant! There is not just one single ‘soulmate’ for us….there are potentially millions. We just probably won’t get to meet them all……but they still exist!
The fact is, what they both really wanted and desired in their lives was change. They attracted one another, unconsciously, unwittingly, because they were both seeking something…..both looking to fill a gap, a need. And of course the ‘third’ party, if he/she becomes aware of the goings – on, definitely also gets to reflect. The first reaction will either be to hang on furiously…..or to let go, big – style. They may feel enraged, having swallowed their own long – term discontent with the relationship, or devastated, not having seen it coming. So many times, having been ‘caught out’, the wrong – doer in a relationship will then fight to keep it afloat. The question is, CAN it be kept afloat……can the ship sail again, or was it always headed for that iceberg? Is it time to man the life – boats, or plug the gap? One way or another, change is required……and at least one person will get to choose the nature of that change.
Of course, there are occasions when two people genuinely ARE right for one another, and the leaving of old lives is the best thing to do, for all concerned, and in the bigger picture (even though it is incredibly painful at the time). Mostly though, infidelity is about dissatisfaction……..and it is that that requires exploring, first and foremost. We humans are supposed to evolve, change and grow……but society, with its deep-seated beliefs, doesn’t make allowances for that. We know that passion, attraction, desire and yearning is not love…….it can LEAD to love…..but it isn’t love. But it IS a sign that our spirit is desperate to grow, to create something wonderful, to fulfill ourselves in the most appropriate way for us. And if we explore that, all kinds of doors can open to us…….healings can occur, new beginnings come about…….the ‘real’ us can see the light of day, and we can respond accordingly. No – one wants to be second best or left behind, few want to hurt others, no – one wants to feel guilty and under pressure. But we all want to feel genuinely fulfilled, happy and proud. And it all begins with acknowledging that something, or everything, just isn’t right anymore. It is easy, though agonising, to bury our head in the sand. It is harder, yet liberating, to say “THIS isn’t working anymore!”…….and find a way of approaching it.