I have always believed I need to be honest, to be ‘real’, where my communications with my customers and readers are concerned. After all, I always hope for the same thing from them.
Which is why I can talk here about my melt – down last night. A wine induced melt – down, but it wasn’t the wine talking and reacting……it was a huge amount of inner pressure that had been building for weeks, on top of pressure that had been building for months. The wine just weakened the defences that were holding it all together. It has been a very long time I since I behaved in such a way, and it is kind of disappointing to recognise that I still have the habit of adding more and more and more to my inner pot, until there is not a centimetre of room left……and then the only place for it to go is OUT!
On the other hand, I am humbled by moments of stark realisation. I know for sure that my consciousness can only expand and grow through the experiences of life, and then through the analysis of those experiences. I have to gladly take the pain and learn from it. Talking the talk is one thing……but I have to be willing to put my money where my mouth is!
I behaved pretty badly, it has to be said. I am not proud of some of my actions, but in their own way they were highly therapeutic. I was standing up for me…..I was refusing to be physically or emotionally intimidated, but dignity went whooshing out of the door. I was also off – loading tons of inner turmoil, like an out – pouring of sludge, and I know that one particular relationship in my life could possibly never be the same again. I know that I have the willingness and the capacity to sit down and talk about it all and gain mutual insight…… but I know the other person well enough to understand that he may struggle with that……initially, at least. I am no longer angry, but I am sad that I hurt someone I care about, even though I know I have also given more love and support than he has ever had from any other human being. But do I regret it all? In a weird way, no. I have come to understand that life helps me in some very big ways, at times, and what appears as a problem or a curse is often the packaging around a meaningful opportunity for change. Painful, but meaningful. I asked God to “bring it on”, so I can’t complain when he does!
And you know, last night was not planned. I had no idea I was going to blow. I know I felt physically and emotionally exhausted and drained, but it still came as a shock to me. But now I have to own it. Not allow it to drown me, but rather teach and heal me. I definitely take responsibility for my own actions, but I am also going to be kind enough to myself to understand what led me into such a state of mind, and I am going to accept the consequences. The God who talks to me has assured me that the next few days will be tough if I wallow, and that there is no point approaching the other person, instead giving him time to work things out in his own way. Change is definitely afoot, and I have to be brave enough to allow it to show its colours. And I think I have had my fill of wine, for some time to come……..