Daily Prompt: Rearrangevia Daily Prompt: Rearrange
I am rearranging my life yet again. For the millionth time. I feel I have re – invented myself more times than Madonna, and yet here I am again.
I awoke this morning with discomfort, but also with the almost exciting thought “Right……enough! Time to change your attitude and some of your habits!” I have plenty of good stuff in my life for which I am truly grateful, but I feel as if I have reached rock bottom……and in many ways that is a relief. The biggest changes have always come about when I have reached a point at which I say “I cannot live THIS life for one second longer”, and mean it. So, change HAS to be imminent.
The last time I rearranged my life in a major way led to massive change. And it all started with an Eagles’ dvd. I had been feeling sad, overwhelmed, overweight, and out of the race. And asexual. And then I watched the Eagles’ come – back performance, filmed in 1994, and realised I hadn’t completely died. I had always loved their music, but had never seen them in action. I wanted to phone MTV and say “I’ll take the lot. Pack ’em up and have them delivered, asap.” I remembered that I was, below the blubber and the dirty wellies, still a woman, not a grumpy, exhausted pit pony (as my now ex husband obviously believed). And that fluttering was enough to get me moving. I lost 4 stone, walked for miles and miles, listening to music or talking to God, and slowly but surely got myself out of that dark, miserable pit. It wasn’t easy (life is simple, but rarely easy) but it had to be done.
Now, I am not in such a bad place at this moment, but I am not in the place I want to be. I don’t feel how I want to feel, or look how I want to look. And I want action. Not ‘that’ kind of action…….I want the kind that gets me leaping out of bed in the morning shouting “Places to go, people to see!” And only I can make it happen.
I bought a fitness dvd from the pound shop, and the first 10 minutes is a warm – up session that is more like a massive work – out in itself. But I am in. And I want to get rid of the late night wine, a wind – down that is more like a cop – out. And I am going to use the winter to energise and strengthen myself, and my business (which is ticking over), rather than wishing it away, miserably yearning for spring. And my relationship requires some thought. That too is ticking over, with the occasional outbursts. We are chalk and cheese, and maybe I am using him as an excuse not to grow again. He doesn’t want to grow, but that doesn’t mean I can’t and shouldn’t. I can and I should. And then what will be will be. Oh, and I also intend to re – structure my daily life. I have allowed myself to become the fetcher and carrier, the taxi service and comfort provider, for a number of people I love……which is fine, but it is stealing too much of the time and energy I need for the progression of my own life.
So….here I am again, facing a new day with the words “I cannot live THIS life for a second longer.” Let the rearranging begin.