Those damned trees keep getting in the way, preventing us from seeing the glory of the woods. And they especially love to do this when we enter into the weird and wonderful world of dating.
I have to tell you, this is something I definitely know about. Around 75% of my customers are seeking an intuitive consultation because of dating/relationship issues, regardless of where they are in the world, regardless of colour, creed or culture. Our biology is the same, our wants, desires and fears are the same. And there are only so many problems that we human beings come up against, only so many ways of reacting, only so many ways of expressing the same stuff that others are trying to express.
Of course, there are always variations, and no story is exactly the same…but if we knew just how many others have experienced what we ourselves are struggling with, we wouldn’t feel so alone, or so undermined, or so full of self – doubt, indignation and frustration!
There are people who meet the ‘one’ without much effort or drama. They give the rest of us hope, whilst also causing us to feel cross….how dare they?? Why is it so easy for them??
Well, their story is theirs, and ours is our own. Their journey is not ours, and there might potentially be something so much better for us, personally, just further down the line. Sometimes we fall into the trap of comparing. We look at where others are at, and then where we are at, and we conclude that we should be where they are. OUR life should be like theirs. When are we ever going to meet the ‘right’ one, and settle down? Why do we always meet the ‘wrong’ person, and why can’t we just find someone to be happy with?
Attraction, dating and romance is tricky stuff, and sometimes we do reach the point at which we can’t see that damned wood for those pesky trees. Sometimes we aren’t helping ourselves, but because the subject of ‘love’ is such a sensitive and highly charged one, we can become ultra – defensive, protecting ourselves against any suggestion that we might need to reassess our own approach. But we shouldn’t feel bad, because developing and nurturing relationships are the biggest challenge any human being will ever face, and we didn’t come into this world with a handbook on the subject. It can be a real learning curve, but there are a few things we can do to help ourselves:
Avoid excessive idealistic thinking and expectations. That doesn’t mean we need to avoid romance, or become cynical…it just means that we need to recognise when we have forgotten that attraction and flirting and lust is not love. It is great, and feels exciting, but it can also create an illusion that cannot stand the test of time. We can enjoy it, but also see right through it…there may or may not be something solid on the other side!
Putting a need for commitment (THE BIG C!) ahead of really taking the time to develop something that will naturally, and without too much discussion, evolve into something mutually supportive, can put too much strain on a developing or slow – moving relationship, and cause us to feel insecure and miserable. I recently asked a very nice and genuine lady, who told me that she wanted a committed, serious relationship (with a guy who was clearly not complying), to specifically define her own version of commitment. I felt that this guy was, in his own way, committed to her, that he did care about her, but that his version of commitment was different to hers. On paper, the relationship was not a great one, but intuitively I felt that it could be different, better, more satisfying…if only it could be approached in a different way. I also asked her why she wanted a ‘serious’ relationship ( a little tongue in cheek, I admit!)….how sexy does THAT sound!
Ignoring the obvious signs and our own inner voice of common sense can be disempowering to us. It can keep us hanging onto a non – relationship that is only serving to undermine our sense of self – worth. We know, deep down inside, when we are being treated dismissively and disrespectfully, even if we pretend not to recognise it. And because we know we are pretending we feel even worse about ourselves, which keeps us hanging on for longer, hoping for a reversal in our favour.
Keeping our ex ‘alive’ in our emotional world, even though deep down inside we know that the relationship is over, and that the problems that led to the break – up remain unresolved, is okay, but it creates and emits an energy that carries the message “I am not free to attract a genuine, mature, mutually supportive relationship, with long – term potential.” We cannot hold the past AND the future in our hands, all at the same time, and we have to remember that regardless of what we say with our mouth, the truth of our inner – world will always dominate, energetically speaking. If we honestly want to move on, we have to move on from the inside out…physically leaving is one thing, but leaving emotionally is another. It can take time, but we CAN do it!
We can seek insight and guidance, from a neutral source, to help us to reassess and re – group, and come up with a new plan of action! As I said, attraction, dating and romance can be difficult to navigate, and we may have developed one or two unhelpful habits that we don’t even recognise. We might have to set aside old beliefs and expectations, we might have to face one or two uncomfortable truths, we might need to draw a straight line and hop over it onto the other side….but the effort will be worth it, and it may not be as difficult as we fear! A smart young woman, who had had a number of consultations with different readers, on the same subject (her ex), told me that something I said had reminded her of a memory she had obviously repressed…a memory that put her ex in a different light. I was intrigued by her response, and her honesty. She had unconsciously edited the past, writing out parts that put a question mark over the relationship, and the way in which she had been remembering it. I have no idea how she will choose to process the ‘newly updated’ version, but suspect that it might be the beginning of a new journey for her.
The desire for genuine love, to be with someone who really wants to be with us, in the real, everyday world, for more than a day, a week or a month, is perfectly natural….but for many it can at times seem to be an impossible quest. We have to be willing to put aside idealistic thinking, and defensive, fearful reaction, and get down to the bottom line. Problems with attraction, dating and romance require the same kind of approach that other problematic areas of our life demand. We can really USE our head where work and finances and practical stuff is concerned, but LOSE it where romantic love isconcerned!
I can definitely help to sort through the fog, and provide insights, guidance and prediction, whilst the customer has to be willing to take stock, readjust where necessary, and do some emotional decluttering….allowing room for growth, and even the totally new!
Click onto the consultations page to see my latest listing: Your Love Life!
There have been a couple of events recently that created a few ripples in my life, and unsettled my thinking. I felt as if I had been sucked back in time to a not so good place, and I felt myself sinking.
However, my conscious awareness was enough to keep my head above the water, and I paddled furiously until I could feel solid ground beneath my feet again. You see, I have worked hard, for a very long time, to develop my thinking, so that it works for me and not against me. And the sudden ripples that came along to rock my boat gave me an opportunity to test my life – sailing skills….would I wrestle with the helm and get back on course, or be capsized? Well, I’m still afloat, and still heading towards my chosen destination, which shows that my efforts have been worth it, and I have genuinely learned something!
However, the journey continues. There will still be stormy seas ahead, in between periods of calm, and bursts of full – steam – ahead sailing. For you, as well as for me. Of course, it’s going to depend upon whether we choose to hang around the dock, or only navigate the shallow waters, or whether we head out onto the big, wide ocean. We can learn to become a first class sailor, and then the captain, of the vessel of our own life, if we are willing to weather the storms that will occasionally rise up from the depths, or descend from the heavens.
I didn’t want to sink into the “what’s the point?” mentality. I didn’t want to slip back into that place of paranoia, taking everything personally, and transmitting a repellent energy. I knew that no good could possibly come of it, and the effort I’d made over the years would have mostly been for nothing. I heard myself thinking, and I felt my body responding to my thoughts and emotions, and when I realised I had no energy…that i just wanted to curl up and ignore the world…I grabbed myself by the scruff of my own neck, kicked my own butt, and said “think again!”
And think again I did, but not positively. I thought productively. Positive thinking is easy when life is hunky dory, when things aren’t too bad. Positive thinking is almost impossible when it feels as if the bottom has dropped out of your world, or that a giant sized poop has been deposited upon it. At such times positive thinking feels feigned, strained, false even. Productive thinking, on the other hand, offers the potential for solutions, and of a sense of control. It doesn’t remove the problem, or instantly fix it, but it does act as leveller, and gives a bit of breathing space, the chance to keep things in perspective. And let’s face it, when we are emotionally and mentally upset, one of the first things to abandon ship is perspective.
So, what does productive thinking sound like? I will try and explain.
I said earlier that I felt I had been sucked back in time, but of course I hadn’t been, in the real, physical sense. It was my mind that was re – living parts of the past I would definitely never want to return to, and it was my mind that produced a set of emotions that really upset and unsettled me. These emotions led me to an action that may or may not be entirely helpful, and complicated the situation. However, it gave me an opportunity to ask myself a very important question: “What can I do with these memories? They have obviously been occupying a particular place in my inner world, but have now been rooted out and disturbed. They cannot simply be pushed back into the same old corner, so what do I intend to do with them?”
I knew that they weren’t simply going away, and I knew that I could choose to allow them to disempower me….or I could consciously choose to face them anew, and find a more relevant place in my life for them. I couldn’t just hope that they’d vanish, allowing me to return to the way I was a few days ago, and I knew I didn’t want that. What would be the point? Life was obviously attempting to give me an opportunity to lessen the load, to tidy it up a bit, and make it easier to transport.
And there is something else. My current life is built upon my past, and the way in which I used to respond to things. What better than one of the darkest times of my life to test how far I have progressed? What actually happened mattered less than how I responded when I was faced with the memory and the feeling of it, in the here and now. As I am typing this, I suddenly realise that maybe unconsciously I felt I needed to revisit this experience as part of my ongoing development and growth. Maybe it was always going to surface, at the most appropriate time and place, because I myself, again unconsciously, had placed it on the agenda. Maybe it takes a real tough soul to be willing to face her sea – monsters every now and then along the way, until they become weakened enough to be conquered! And if I can deal with this, and make sense of it, the everyday stuff pales in comparison, becoming so much more manageable. And the big goals seem less intimidating, and more easily achievable!
I suppose that positive thinking is to productive thinking what reacting is to responding. They are at opposite ends of the their spectrum, and both can serve a purpose….but one comes from the need to survive, and the other from the desire to survive AND flourish! My work, and my life, has become about the latter, and what is good for me is good for my customers!#positivethinkingisn’tenough
Hey Leanne, what exactly IS a poor abundance mentality?
Thank you so much for asking…and you know what’s going to happen next, don’t you? I’m going to tell you (or at least explain my own version of it)!
Abundance isn’t just about money. It’s about opportunity, and being open to to receiving as well as giving.
A poor abundance mentality (let’s call it PAM for short!) is not hidden…we can’t pretend we don’t have it. It can be seen and felt by others, even if they aren’t aware that it has a title. It reveals itself through how we speak, how we behave…how we look, even. Its roots are connected to our past, and it is a part of our programming (every last one of us become programmed as a result of our life experiences, and the way in which we process them), and it is often tied up with our sense of self – worth and value. However, it is entirely possible to appear to be confident and brave, and still have a PAM. The good news is that, once we become aware that we are responding to the world with a PAM, by applying conscious and ongoing effort, we can change it.
My PAM definitely had its roots in my childhood, and over the years it gathered strength, gaining a pretty formidable strangle – hold. It revealed itself through the fact that I was always struggling for money, no matter how hard I worked. Through my increasing bargain – basement attitude. Through my sometimes self – destructive behaviour. Through unconscious acts of self – sabotage. Through the willingness to put up with endless amounts of crap, almost proud of my capacity to survive. I was flattered when others commented on how resourceful I could be, not recognising that I wouldn’t have to BE so resourceful if I healed my PAM!
However, I didn’t resonate with others who were also stuck in the PAM trap. I had noticed that some people who were skint and struggling often related to and identified with those in the same position, creating an ‘us and them’ divide. They’d separate themselves from anyone who was doing well, as if financial comfort and success was just a matter of luck, and only for the chosen few who weren’t averse to ruthless and dubious practices. I didn’t want to think that way, or be one of those people. But still, digging out the roots of old, programmed beliefs has been quite a task!
So, how do you know if you are approaching life with a poor abundance mentality? Take a look at the list, below, and if more than a couple of points resonate with you, you may want to ask yourself if there is room for improvement! I can tell you with hand on heart that many of these have been more than familiar to me over the years, and I am making no judgements!
This is not an exhaustive list, and is not in any particular order, by the way:
1) You consistently worry about losing your security, even though there is no real reason to believe that you will become destitute!
2) You are dissatisfied with your job, but still fear losing it or changing it.
3) You are in debt, and and believe you will never be free of it, unless you win the lottery.
4) You believe that your debt is not your fault, and that it is easier for others NOT to be in debt.
5) You spend on things that don’t/won’t actually enhance your life, because they make you feel better for a short period of time, rather than on something that would be an investment in your future. You are in constant survival mode.
6) You say things like “Why do footballers/rock stars/actors get paid more than doctors, nurses and teachers?” You don’t recognise that the reason footballers, racing drivers, rock stars, actors, reality tv celebs etc receive more money than the rest of us is because zillions of people pay to see them perform, AND buy their associated products by the wagon load. You yourself are probably funding some of these people, even if you have only bought a named football shirt for your child, or paid for concert tickets, or bought a dvd, or a celeb perfume. Anyone’s star can suddenly fall, and often does. Footballers get dropped, singers are cut loose by their record label, actors appear in fewer and fewer films, celeb perfumes are sold off for less than a tenner, and so many copies of 50 Shades Of Grey end up in charity shops that they have to put up signs saying ‘NO MORE!’
7) You say things like “There are no jobs out there” or “I have reached the limit of what I am able to achieve at work, and there is nowhere else I can go” accepting it as absolute, irrefutable fact.
8) You hang around the reduced food section, or make a bee – line for it every time you shop.
9) You ask friends and family how much they spent on this or that, judging them or envying them, feeling either superior because they have no common sense, or feeling depressed because they can splash the cash you can’t.
10) You regularly feel lesser than those who always seem to have the money for leisure and pleasure.
11) You often indignantly ask “HOW can they afford to live the way they do?”
12) You feel guilty over every penny you spend, especially when it’s on yourself.
13) You assume that anyone who ‘makes it’ in life had it easy.
14) You believe that only those with a full education can become successful and financially comfortable.
15) You assume that anyone who is ambitious and creates success has an excessive amount of confidence, and never experiences anxiety, self – doubt or fear.
16) You believe that you don’t have what it takes, and so what’s the point in raising your own hopes and expectations?
17) You identify with those around you who are happy enough to be unhappy enough, and you buy into their reasoning!
18) You allow a fear of failure and of letting other people down to dictate what you do and don’t do, not realising that every successful person has failed, at the very least once, and probably several times, along the pathway toward their achievement.
19) You stick with a limited routine, day in, day out.
20) You don’t seek out new information or experiences, saying that you don’t have time to watch something educational on YouTube, or read a book that informs/inspires you…because you are too busy with your familiar routine.
21) You believe that because there are people on the planet who are living in abject poverty, you have no right to need or want more than it takes to scrape by…not realising that your struggle doesn’t put one ounce of food on their plates, or answer their medical/educational needs.
22) You say things like “Money doesn’t buy happiness” when you have never had enough to know whether or not that is true. You cite the screwed up, dysfunctional celebs as evidence, forgetting the millions of people who DO have money, and are clearly happy and functional!
23) You believe you will change, and become one of ‘them’ (the ruthless, dubious lot) if you have any degree of wealth and success.
24) You buy lottery or raffle tickets, whilst saying “I never win anything”, or you believe that a lottery win is your only way forwards, becoming more downhearted and frustrated every time you don’t have a win.
25) You only ever shop in charity and discount shops, and say things like “I could get that for a £1 elsewhere!”
So, there they are, 25 signs that you may be struggling with a poor abundance mentality (and I am pretty sure that there are many others I haven’t included)! One sign that I haven’t included is defensiveness….a quick reaction, defending and justifying our position! The “I have ACTUAL reasons for my life being this way, thank you very much, that have nothing to do with me!” Been there and done that.
So, how do we get beyond good old PAM? Well, that’s a whole new story, in its own right. However, I will say that we can start by acknowledging that we WANT to change, and then by taking the first step, dealing with one misbelief at a time, and engaging in activities that inform and inspire us, that are an investment in our own future. Self – help, guidance from those who are in the know, association with people who aren’t bogged down in PAM, life coaching…anything that causes us to think anew, and see beyond the old restrictive boundaries!#abundance
America is having a really positive impact upon my life! There was a time when this was not the case at all, and I even told my cousin, who lives in Florida, that I was really struggling with customers from the States. They were more likely to ask crazy things, and then drag me over the coals on the internet, if I couldn’t fulfill their demands (such as supplying the lottery numbers), or if I refused to back up those ‘readers’ who had already promised them that the angels would sing and the rainbows would shine, and that their ex would see the error of his/her ways and transform overnight.
But something has changed, and maybe that something is me. At a practical level, I have taken steps to move my business nearer to where I want it to be, and I have made it clear that I won’t entertain the crazies (wherever they are in the world!). At an emotional/energetic level, I have worked on myself, changing the nature of what I attract into my life, and what I believe I am worthy of. And this year I have noticed that most of the people who view my website are from the USA, and 75% of my online business is coming from American customers….and not a crazy amongst them. Thank you, I appreciate your business!
Now, please believe me when I say that I have wonderful customers who do not live in the States, and I am equally grateful to them. It is just that I have been becoming increasingly aware of the American traffic, and I am so pleased I changed my own mindset and approach!
And on top of all of this, my cousin and her husband, along with their best friends, recently visited the UK from Florida (in fact they will still be in the country until tomorrow!), and spent 3 days in North Wales. They were the best company ever, and we had such fun…I was really sad to see them leave, but they left something incredibly positive behind…their can – do attitude, their curiosity, their enthusiasm, their positive outlook, their humour. I am still smiling now, and I intend to capitalise upon the uplift and keep it going!
So, wherever you are on the planet, if we cross paths in a mutually beneficial way, I am grateful and I thank you. But I am, today, sending out a special thank you to America, and hope that we can continue to be good to and for one another!
Trying too hard doesn’t get us anywhere. I can testify to that! Trying too hard creates intensity, and intensity creates blocks, and blocks prevent us from getting to where we really want to be. Not only that, intensity – blocks can keep us hanging on to whatever life is trying to steer us away from, because we can’t see the wood for the trees.
The most positively prolific times in my life, the most inspired and creative, have come about when I am feeling cheerful and smiling, when life feels ironic and funny, and when I am pleasantly grateful. Having said that, I HAVE also experienced little miracles when I have been under huge pressure, hanging on by the skin of my teeth…but that has involved more genuine emotion than intensity. Genuine emotion tends to spill out and over. Intensity tends to solidify and congeal.
Okay, it is easy to be cheerful and smiling when things are going great, but still, IF we genuinely hope to attract change, we have to consciously get out of the intensity zone…especially when things are tough.And we have to recognise where we are hanging onto situations that are a continuous b**l ache, giving them way more power than they deserve. It is odd how many of us (including myself) have continued to bang our head against a brick wall that most others can see will never, ever come down. Sometimes we even pride ourselves on our staying power, on our capacity for self – sacrifice. We can allow our imagination to run away with itself in an unhelpful way, convincing ourselves that the struggle we are experiencing is somehow noble, and that it must mean we are destined to succeed. We wonder why apparently ‘bad’ people get all the breaks, but that is because we assume that the law of attraction sits and judges us all day long, like some kind of cosmic Robin Hood, stealing from the ‘bad’ rich to give to the ‘good’ poor. Well, clearly it doesn’t, and to paraphrase Denise Duffield – Thomas, the reason ‘they’ have what we don’t have is that ‘they’ don’t have the blocks that we do. And to paraphrase myself, ‘they’ don’t waste time and energy on excessive analysing and crippling intensity.
However, I don’t want you to get the wrong idea. I am not saying that it doesn’t matter how we behave, and that we might as well have no conscience, and just be and do whatever we want to, regardless of who gets hurt in the process. Our motivation and our intentions will always be between ourselves and the great creative force of life. I do believe that the time always comes, for every last one of us, when we get to answer to ourselves for the nature and the quality of the life we lived. But the law (or as I prefer to call it, the energy) of attraction, is all about creativity…and that is ALL it is interested in. It can only work with us at an energetic level. It doesn’t judge, it responds. Ask yourself this: how do you respond to the energy of others? Do you prefer to keep the company of those who struggle, and who have ongoing problems and issues? Do you relate more to those whose lives are filled with struggle and bad luck, and who survive, rather than thrive? That might sound like an odd question, but if you really think about it, you will recognise just how much struggle and sacrifice is admired by people who are also struggling.
On the other hand we can put certain people up on pedestals, reacting to them as if they are gods. Anyone who greatly admires a person who needs a host of minions tending to their every whim, constantly protecting them from the lesser beings, needs to seriously question their own sense of self – worth. As does anyone who wants to BE a minion! There are many talented people I genuinely admire, who have skills I absolutely do not possess. But I don’t consider myself to be lesser as a human being, and would be incredibly disappointed to see these remarkable individuals demanding to be treated as if their breath gives life to the dying and their poop is encrusted with diamonds. Again, as will every one of us, they will have to figure out for themselves what their life was really all about, when the time comes to do so. But in the meantime, those of us who enable them have to ask ourselves what we are creating. We are telling the law of attraction that ‘these’ people are better than we are, and that they deserve to be forgiven for weird, demanding and self – obsessed behaviour, because they are special. And that we are not.
Don’t believe that creativity is only about painting, writing, designing, drawing, and composing. We are always creating, good, bad or indifferently. We create a conversation, a blog, an argument, a relationship, a home, a business, an attitude…a lifestyle. And it is our emotional creativity that the law of attraction responds to, in a neutral way. It doesn’t consciously care about us, it doesn’t work out what our issues are, pre – empting us and giving us what we need, rather than what we say we want. But I believe that the great creative force of life DOES care about us. Enough to give us absolute free will, in terms of our inner world, and our beliefs, thoughts and feelings. And we can change these anytime we choose.
I have found that the secret to feeling lighter, more hopeful and positive – which in turn leads me to attract more positive and productive situations into my life – is to get beyond my own boundaries, out of my habitual head space, and really enjoy….eat up and absorb…the energy of people who have the attitude of “Hey, what’s the problem? Isn’t life interesting? Let’s explore this and that. How’re you doing? Let me share this with you. What do you think about this?”
I can find “Life is tough, it’s all about struggle, I have to live in the real world, I have to have security, when will I meet someone who makes me happy, when will I be happy?” people anywhere and everywhere. I have been some of those people at times, but I always knew, deep down inside, that it wasn’t the way forwards. Even when I was in debt, in a dark, dysfunctional relationship, when I was considered to be a bottom – dweller by some of my relatives….I knew that it wasn’t THE way to think, feel and be. I knew I could think, feel and be better. And I have not changed my mind.
There are amazing people on this planet, who have such humility and wisdom and warmth, but also pride, and a strong sense of self – worth. I eat these people up, and I aspire to consistently be one of these people. I recently experienced a group of people who left me feeling as if I could create every dream I ever had, just through their attitude and outlook….but then I had to be able to see and appreciate that, and utilise it. I know a woman who, when invited to a wedding, and viewed the splendid and exotic buffet, huffed “Well there aren’t many sandwiches”. We can have sandwiches EVERY day! Jam, ham, cheese, corned beef, pork, spam, tuna, beef dripping, chips…and they are great! But let’s celebrate exotic….let’s pile our plate high, and gobble it up! Let’s say “I WILL have more of that, thank you sooooo much!”
Do you know, some of my customers argue with me. They are involved in some dysfunctional relationship, some old issue or problem, some old belief that is hurting them, a pattern of behaviour that is keeping them from the pathway that leads to their actual healthy, happy future. And because I have been an arguer, in favour of the harder, more problematic pathway, I can recognise it.
But I also receive lots and lots of feedback from those who have ‘clicked’…..those who say “I WANT change, and I WANT to feel better, happier, and be in a better position….I know it is tough to change, but you have shown me that I CAN, and that there is something worth changing for…that there IS something worth working towards!” And it is THAT energy that will take them forwards. Let’s feed ourselves, and others, with a can – do attitude, and allow others to feed us…let us push those boundaries, and give the law of attraction something great to respond to! Check out the email (below) I received first thing this morning….and you will understand why I started the day with a smile on my face and in my heart!
First of all thank you very very much for sending my consultation!
I have just listened to it and I seriously got chills and a bit teary at how accurately you pinpointed my situation. You were right in saying that overall I am doing okay but there is that element of fear and panic and anxiety that I have about it all.
Yesterday I decided enough is enough and I woke up today with a determination to not dwell on the negativity. So I got up with a purpose, made a “to do” list (not all about finding work) and have started to tick things off, and already it has given me an amazing sense of positivity and I feel like I am accomplishing things (even if one of the things was to wash my bed sheets! 🙂 )
I will definitely listen to this again, but just the first time round I was astounded at how you just got what has been going through my head.