Those damned trees keep getting in the way, preventing us from seeing the glory of the woods. And they especially love to do this when we enter into the weird and wonderful world of dating.
I have to tell you, this is something I definitely know about. Around 75% of my customers are seeking an intuitive consultation because of dating/relationship issues, regardless of where they are in the world, regardless of colour, creed or culture. Our biology is the same, our wants, desires and fears are the same. And there are only so many problems that we human beings come up against, only so many ways of reacting, only so many ways of expressing the same stuff that others are trying to express.
Of course, there are always variations, and no story is exactly the same…but if we knew just how many others have experienced what we ourselves are struggling with, we wouldn’t feel so alone, or so undermined, or so full of self – doubt, indignation and frustration!
There are people who meet the ‘one’ without much effort or drama. They give the rest of us hope, whilst also causing us to feel cross….how dare they?? Why is it so easy for them??
Well, their story is theirs, and ours is our own. Their journey is not ours, and there might potentially be something so much better for us, personally, just further down the line. Sometimes we fall into the trap of comparing. We look at where others are at, and then where we are at, and we conclude that we should be where they are. OUR life should be like theirs. When are we ever going to meet the ‘right’ one, and settle down? Why do we always meet the ‘wrong’ person, and why can’t we just find someone to be happy with?
Attraction, dating and romance is tricky stuff, and sometimes we do reach the point at which we can’t see that damned wood for those pesky trees. Sometimes we aren’t helping ourselves, but because the subject of ‘love’ is such a sensitive and highly charged one, we can become ultra – defensive, protecting ourselves against any suggestion that we might need to reassess our own approach. But we shouldn’t feel bad, because developing and nurturing relationships are the biggest challenge any human being will ever face, and we didn’t come into this world with a handbook on the subject. It can be a real learning curve, but there are a few things we can do to help ourselves:
Avoid excessive idealistic thinking and expectations. That doesn’t mean we need to avoid romance, or become cynical…it just means that we need to recognise when we have forgotten that attraction and flirting and lust is not love. It is great, and feels exciting, but it can also create an illusion that cannot stand the test of time. We can enjoy it, but also see right through it…there may or may not be something solid on the other side!
Putting a need for commitment (THE BIG C!) ahead of really taking the time to develop something that will naturally, and without too much discussion, evolve into something mutually supportive, can put too much strain on a developing or slow – moving relationship, and cause us to feel insecure and miserable. I recently asked a very nice and genuine lady, who told me that she wanted a committed, serious relationship (with a guy who was clearly not complying), to specifically define her own version of commitment. I felt that this guy was, in his own way, committed to her, that he did care about her, but that his version of commitment was different to hers. On paper, the relationship was not a great one, but intuitively I felt that it could be different, better, more satisfying…if only it could be approached in a different way. I also asked her why she wanted a ‘serious’ relationship ( a little tongue in cheek, I admit!)….how sexy does THAT sound!
Ignoring the obvious signs and our own inner voice of common sense can be disempowering to us. It can keep us hanging onto a non – relationship that is only serving to undermine our sense of self – worth. We know, deep down inside, when we are being treated dismissively and disrespectfully, even if we pretend not to recognise it. And because we know we are pretending we feel even worse about ourselves, which keeps us hanging on for longer, hoping for a reversal in our favour.
Keeping our ex ‘alive’ in our emotional world, even though deep down inside we know that the relationship is over, and that the problems that led to the break – up remain unresolved, is okay, but it creates and emits an energy that carries the message “I am not free to attract a genuine, mature, mutually supportive relationship, with long – term potential.” We cannot hold the past AND the future in our hands, all at the same time, and we have to remember that regardless of what we say with our mouth, the truth of our inner – world will always dominate, energetically speaking. If we honestly want to move on, we have to move on from the inside out…physically leaving is one thing, but leaving emotionally is another. It can take time, but we CAN do it!
We can seek insight and guidance, from a neutral source, to help us to reassess and re – group, and come up with a new plan of action! As I said, attraction, dating and romance can be difficult to navigate, and we may have developed one or two unhelpful habits that we don’t even recognise. We might have to set aside old beliefs and expectations, we might have to face one or two uncomfortable truths, we might need to draw a straight line and hop over it onto the other side….but the effort will be worth it, and it may not be as difficult as we fear! A smart young woman, who had had a number of consultations with different readers, on the same subject (her ex), told me that something I said had reminded her of a memory she had obviously repressed…a memory that put her ex in a different light. I was intrigued by her response, and her honesty. She had unconsciously edited the past, writing out parts that put a question mark over the relationship, and the way in which she had been remembering it. I have no idea how she will choose to process the ‘newly updated’ version, but suspect that it might be the beginning of a new journey for her.
The desire for genuine love, to be with someone who really wants to be with us, in the real, everyday world, for more than a day, a week or a month, is perfectly natural….but for many it can at times seem to be an impossible quest. We have to be willing to put aside idealistic thinking, and defensive, fearful reaction, and get down to the bottom line. Problems with attraction, dating and romance require the same kind of approach that other problematic areas of our life demand. We can really USE our head where work and finances and practical stuff is concerned, but LOSE it where romantic love is concerned!
I can definitely help to sort through the fog, and provide insights, guidance and prediction, whilst the customer has to be willing to take stock, readjust where necessary, and do some emotional decluttering….allowing room for growth, and even the totally new!
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